A husband goes to his doctor and complains that his wife is getting deaf. The doctors asks him to confirm and convince himself before getting his wife over to the doctor.

The husband goes home and finds his wife is cooking dinner in the kitchen. He goes and stands 20 feet behind her and asks her , "What are we having for Dinner?" No Answer. He walks another 5 feets towards his wife and asks her the same question again. No answer. He moves even further and is 10 feet away from his wife and asks ," What are you cooking for dinner?" No answer.

Almost convinced , he finally walks very close to his wife and standing next to her asks the same question again. The wife says " This is the fourth time I am telling you , I am cooking Chicken........"

Report submitted by Banta Singh to his manager after completing his Y2K verification task.

Dear Sir,

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak. I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00 ? We'll await your direction."

Very Sincerely

Banta Singh

Y2K Project Leader

Bhola and Herolal were discussing how they would like to die.

Bhola said, "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep. I don't want to die screaming like some of his friends, who also died at the same time."

Herolal asked, "How did his friends die screaming while your grandfather died sleeping peacefully?"

Bhola replied, "His friends were the passengers in the car he was driving."

Bhola at a grocery store

Bhola goes to a grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Bhola to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Bhola goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week Bhola finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Bhola to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Bhola goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week Bhola comes to the grocery store with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Bhola: "What! This is shit!"

Bhola calmly replies: "Yes, and I want toilet paper"

Bhola and Herolal were hanging upside down on a tree. Sometime later Bhola falls down. On hearing the 'dhoom' sound Herolal asks him, "Arre kya hua?" (What happened?)

Bhola replies, "Arre yaar, pak gaya tha!" (I had become ripe!)

Herolal accidentally locked his keys inside his car. He called a mechanic - Bhola who arrived and said, "Give me ten minutes and I'll have everything worked out."

Herolal went back inside his house and came back after a few minutes. He found Bhola working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As Herolal watched from the passenger's side, he instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open.

"Hey," Herolal announced to the mechanic, "It's open!"

"I know," answered Bhola. "I already opened that side."

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The village fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the village fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for Rs. 1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our truck!"

A young man asked an old rich man how he made all his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1967 and we were living in tough times. I was down to my last Paise. I invested that in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for fifty Paise."

"The next morning, I invested that fifty paise in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them in the evening for 1 Rupee. I continued this for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of ten Rupees.

"Then my wife's father died and left us One million Rupees."

All the police organizations in the world are called to meet at a common place to evaluate the best organization. Only major organizations like the New York Police, the Melbourne Police, Scotland Yard, the Dutch Police and the Mumbai Police pass the eliminations round.

Now the task is to select the best one among them. Surprisingly, all the 5 groups do equally well in all the events so the judges put in a last (tiebreak) event to select the best team.

They set a tiger free into a nearby forest and the team that catches the tiger in the least amount of time is to be declared the winner.

First the Dutch Police go into the jungle and catch the tiger in 30 minutes. Next the Melbourne Police go and return in 20 min. with the tiger. After this the New York police go and catch the tiger in 15 min. Next Scotland Yard detectives go in and catch the tiger in a mere 10 min.

The Mumbai Police have the the last slot.The tiger is released and the Mumbai Police start chasing it. 10min go by.......20 min go by......30 min go by....1 hour passes by....3 hours pass by. The judges get vexed and decide to go into the jungle in search of the Mumbai Police.

In a short time after getting into the jungle, they are amazed to find a big BEAR tied to a tree trunk, being hit left and right by the Mumbai Police,who are shouting, 'BOL TU SHER HAI ........... SALA BOL ! TU SHER HAI !! "

Bhola and Herolal were coming up in an inlet in the motor boat when they saw another boat loaded with fish. Seeing as how their luck had been awful today, Bhola asked the fisherman what his secret was.

He said, "Just go out to sea till the water gets fresh. Then stop there and drop your line.

"Excited, Bhola fired up the motor and headed out to sea. When they got a little ways out, he told Herolal to fill up a bucket and taste the water.

Herolal complied and said, "It's still salty!"

Bhola went further out and told Herolal to taste the water again.

Herolal said the same thing, "It's still salty!" This went on for hours. . . Finally, it was starting to get dark, and they were in the middle of nowhere, when Bhola said to taste the water one last time.

Herolal replied, "But Bhola, there's no more water in the bucket!"

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?

STUDENT: Seven.

TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?

STUDENT: Nine. TEACHER: That's impossible.

STUDENT: No, it isn't, teacher. I'm eight today.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WILLY: Me! SUBSTITUTE

TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?

BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

ALFRED: I get up early.

STUDENT: Yes, sir.

TEACHER: And didn't i promise to punish you if you didn't?

STUDENT: Yes, sir,but since I broke my promise,you didn't have to keep yours.

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

HAROLD:Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

TEACHER: Of course not.

HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."That's what I did.

TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.

DON: I hope you didn't either.

GARY:I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.

TEACHER:I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?

JUNIOR: Because of absence.

MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?

JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?

SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.

FATHER: What's that?

TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.

SAMMY: You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet.

HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent deseases caused by biting insects?

JOSE: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I". ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say "I am." ELLEN: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defence" and "detail" in a sentence.

MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defence before detail.

TEACHER: Toby, what are you doing under your desk?

TOBY: Didn't you tell us to read Dr.Jekyll and Hyde(hide)? The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program. "There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning," he snapped."Wouldn't it be better to hear one at a time?" A voice shouted, "Okay---you start."

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get? SASHA: A new bike.

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

VINCENT: One dollar.

TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.

TEACHERS: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?

CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

TEACHER: Why are you late?

AMOS: I lost my quarter.

TEACHER: And why are you late, Oliver?

OLIVER: I was standing on it. "Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl. "Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl. "No." "I'm the principal's daughter." "And do you know who I am?" asked the boy. "No," she replied. "Thank goodness!"